I had been trying to write so many things. But since last few days so many thoughts came across my mind. I am more puzzled may be my inquisitive mind is such it asks so many questions :)
One of my teachers used to say that it is important to have questions to find answers on your own. But it is not happening dude………….I have so many questions and nobody knows the answer.
Yess guys I know what you wanna read ...a true story …. hmmm I have one in fact we all have such stories but most of us just let those go and get busy with our lives. With me I clung on to those to find answers and may be I try in my own manner to find out some solution to help ,people in my lil small world , have a better life.( Ananya……..you are trying to praise yourself …………….grrrrrrrrrrrrr…. be humble)
I know a guy, we worked together in past. It’s been a year now (Thanks to facebook friends in common pop-ups…… I reconnected to a lost links) and he is a decent no nonsense guy (Hard to believe right……… …but yes he is a boy and yet no nonsensical :)).
Year 2008-2009 – Marked by recession – how can ppl, who dint get job, got underpaid jobs, got pink slips even in TCS, lost money in shares can forget that but this Macroeconomic situation had such a profound effect on our micro happy feelings. This guy entered in a MBA college now he‘ll be out in 2009. There is restlessness everywhere. Placecom is blamed to be unfair; placement director seems to lobby against few people. Director is calling motivational speakers so that everyone can keep their cool …………grrrrrr…….that is all the more frustrating. A great teacher smiles mysteriously at us and says” It is a war so ………….so what …shed blood …and move ahead”. But question here is “Whose blood “they are friends I can’t ...how can I. I do not have a knack to kill my own friends. I am a good guy I am not the one who can do that. I keep quiet. I will have my day. God will help me.
Days are gone by few people got job. Everybody is talking about this and that. People have new names to refer their once upon a time best pals now. The ditcher I do not trust him he got the job he is in placecom he did not put my resume only……….coward……he is afraid of my grades… ……That ***** she only talks to committee people. That guy is interested in her I am sure she will be called for an interview.
It gets nasty. Everyone is twitchy and they need a break. People are really being fanatical. Almost everyone had put this video of kishore kumar “Ek chhoti si naukri ka talabgar hoon mien” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iSdldDEGHI)
It’s the last month now I am not even short listed anywhere. I cry when it is dark .I cannot tell anybody how does it feel. I feel like a looser I feel ashamed to stand in front of my pals. They don’t say anything but they know I am no more equal. I am full of self doubt. But I will laugh and I shall move ahead. How do I tell my fiancée I could not prove my worth to be hers? I just could not prove myself. But I tried I really did whatever I could. May be it is not on the cards.
I feel so sickly emotional. I feel like crying and screaming but I cannot…… it is a blow to my masculinity. I am strong and I am supposed to be there to support what we call weaker sex my other half. But her silent support kills me. Now there is credit crunch and fewer calls from my side. No gifts, no trips for shopping and dinner outside. It is getting difficult but I move on. Finally I get the job in a “C” grade city of India in a “B” Grade company in “F” grade department sales. On the very first day I am feeling I am not fit for this role. Second day I get on to bike and go to meet a client. This client is a Brahmin. I waited for like 2 hours its summers and I remember the date too “it is 5th June 2009”. I asked for water I was really thirsty water came and then the guy on the other side of the table told me to have it without my lips making any contact with glass. Why?
Yes I did ask why? He said there are so many ******* people come wearing good clothes and I do not like them having water in my glasses. It cracked my mind and heart. Poor fellows who are not upper caste cannot drink water at his shop. I just got up and came out side. I decided i can’t live like this I need to be at better place. I am from premium institution I got to be better placed. What is this place I am not thinking high of myself it’s just I do not fit in these circumstances. I quit yes I quit the job.
I resigned and my fiancée supported me what choice she had. I informed her and I asked for her silent support very silently. She encouraged me to serve the notice period and find the job.
6 months are over and I am still not able to get anything. I am pissed off. But I am good with her I comfort her with my talks. I try not to share my frustration and stress I am under, with her. I know she is sacrificing a lot. I try to keep balance of emotions. The innocence is lost. The conviction is down the drain and I started believing, may be this is still ok and worse is still to come. I wonder how overpoweringly our negative thoughts work. If I think slight evil of mine it will come true. And it did come true.
She is not with me anymore. She is tired now she can’t be my support. She is crying when she is saying this. I can feel her pain and suddenly all the mistakes are so vivid in my memory. When I did not pickup her call when I did not smile when she tried to make me smile and When I forgot to even give a single rose on her birth day. But more baffling is we had been together for 5 years and now she is not able to take it anymore. I do not know what to say. I say sorry to her. I dream about her. When I say sorry she replies back with a sorry and tears in eyes. I sobbed in front of her she also did. But she doesn’t say yes.
I had just come to my place when you called ananya. And I am telling you all this because I am just in different mood today.
Can I ask you something ananya what do you women want? How do you gals think? What is expected out of a guy? In my case where did I go wrong? I never looked at anybody else. I was truthful I just thought we are together rest is okay.
As you all know by now how helpless I am to answer such questions I took some time and then said. May be she wanted to be proud of you, she wanted you to have a good job, decent money whatever you say money does matter. (I am really feeling guilty to say this and my voice is softer with remorse and self-interest). It is difficult to understand Rahul but yess money does matter not because she wants to buy clothes for herself but yes she wants a good life. Understand she is also tired. You see her side also, politics at office, annoying Boss, friends getting married, regular uploading of happy snaps of peers with boyfriends. She must have felt bad. She also wanna share her story and if not publicly she wants to be content within. Yes gals are weaker sex but not because they have less gray cells but because they think from heart. They want somebody to go on the podium and say “whatever I am today I am because of my Wife/ daughter/Mom”. They do not want to be on the podium and it is the truth.
Rahul: But I tried and for me it was enough to just look at her and spend my days even in trial. May be I am not one of those polished types who can do lovvy dovvy talks neither I am of that age nor I am sugar coated enough to………………
Me: I understand it is not your fault and nobody wants you to be sugar coated after 5 years. But I guess it was too much for her to stick to whatever you went through and honestly I do not know her part of the story( I am always at gals side …u see) so I really cannot comment. But believe me dots will be connected soon. Everything happens for the good. It does…………….. And his battery went off.
Hmmmmm honestly I do not want to get connected to him because I do not have any answers. I do not know what does a woman want…security in terms of loyalty and money. But I never asked for money from my fiancée……it is more like he is surviving and there are no petty issues like we cannot go out and have dinner in a good restaurant may be not 5 stars but still good ones and sometimes I pay because it’s ok if I do. We reached that comfort level. When I say money do not confuse me with being a **** and marry millionaire or “some nick with his own BMW” but yess to support a decent life. …………………….. ahann guys do not ask what is decent life I know good, bad, decent ,comfortable all are qualitative words but I bet I can quantify in terms of money given the metro city and a bit idea of life style. Mumbai – A lakh, Delhi – 80,000, Chennai – 60,000 pm types J
But ladies lets have our mind together and dwell upon what can really make us happy.
We can help our enemies (boys) too its ok we are kind hearted Knights.
